Well, not exactly. This week, I'm headed off to Colorado to spend some time with my family. We're spreading my Granddaddy's ashes there, putting him to rest in one of his favorite places. It's going to be bittersweet. I miss him so much. We didn't see each other that often, but he was a one-of-a-kind grandpa. He would IM with me and email me. Heck, he even had a facebook account. When my grandma would send us birthday and Christmas presents he usually had no idea that he'd even given us something until we sent him a thank you card. When we went to visit them, he would start passing out twenties to go shopping with, one of the most generous souls to walk the earth. One time, we came in to breakfast to find $25 dollars hiding under our forks at each place setting.
And we could talk for hours. He had so many interesting experiences, and I wish I could have heard more about them before he died. One day last August I sat in his office with him for like 2 hours hearing about his time working as a petroleum engineer. And I thought, Why didn't I do this before? Well, I have more time to hear about them in the future. not much. The next time they visited was for my sister's graduation. We didn't really spend much time together then. And the next time, they came to watch me play volleyball. It was the weekend of Halloween. My friend and I were carving pumpkins down in the entryway and they were upstairs playing a card game with my parents. As they left that night I was just kind of (as much as I hate to admit this and feel awful about it) wanting them to go so that I could hang out with my friend. She left at midnight... and at 2:00 my dad woke me up saying that something was wrong with Granddaddy. It was the worst shock of my life. I'm tearing up now as I write this. He said that his heart had stopped beating, but that they got it going again and they were on the way to the hospital. They said that I should get dressed because we might be there all day. I got in the car to go to the hospital thinking that he would be fine, that it was just a minor thing, that he would be in the hospital for a few days but would be okay to go home soon, never thinking that I would never get to speak to him again, to hug him, to tell him I loved him.
We arrived at the hospital, having no clue what was going on. The nurse took our names and had us sit in a waiting room. I can still picture it vividly in my head. My mom sat reading us Psalm 90 from her Bible. and I cannot read that Psalm to this day without thinking about being there in that room, terrified of what could happen. The fact that the doctor hadn't come in yet and they didn't tell us anything at the desk made me more worried I think. Then, he came in. A doctor with some Italian-ish name. And he just said it. unsympathetically. he didn't take our hands and break it to us gently. "he didn't make it." then he went on to give us all the reasons why it wasn't the paramedics faults, that they had done all they could do. And we were just sitting there, crying and feeling shocked. We didn't care how many times they had to shock his heart. So finally my mom asked, "can we see him?"
They took us into the viewing room. It was the most awful thing, seeing him lifeless. I want to forget sort of, but at the same time, I cling to that memory, the last I have of him. And my grandma lost it. We all did. I have never cried so much in my life. We sat with him for two hours while people came in and talked bout insurance and cremation and other horrible things... and as I sat there, barely listening to them and grasping my grandma's and mom's hands tightly, it just kept hitting me. I would regain my composure sort of, but then I would think of another thing he wouldn't be there for... graduation... my wedding... his great-grandkids.... he would never meet them... and they would never know the best man in the world. because the best man in the world had gone to be with his Maker, whom he knew well and loved well.
And I still miss him everyday. I think about him and long to have a grandpa again. But I know I'll see him again. Right now, that gives me hope for the future, but its a future that seems far off when I want to see him and tell him I love him now.
So we're going to scatter his ashes in the mountains. It's where he would have wanted to be.
Then I get to go spend 5 days at my grandma's house. just me. We're going to just hang out and enjoy each others' company. I'm looking forward to it a lot. But I'll miss him. I'll sit in his office and likely cry. It'll be sort of empty without him. He won't crack a dry, witty joke, won't bring up something interesting from a theological book he's read recently. But I have Grandma. Thank God I have Grandma.
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